Hello to all of you demented enough to add this to your friends list and actually look at it. I pray for your soul. Chapter 1 is the work of a demented mind, at 25 past midnight trying to write a story for Karen. It was so damn demented though that once I showed Karen she started to write the second chapter. I'd like to think she was impressed by the wonderful writing skills but we're probably just mad. Basically, you're all just lucky I didn't decide to write Karrie Potter because then we'd all be fucked.
It was a weathery day in Hobbiton when Sheldo Baggins and her faithful gardener Karriewise Gamgee and their companions Mickiadoc Hucknall and Pippin Burns departed from the Shire. “It’s a weathery day today, Karriewise. A sign of things to come.” Sheldo sighed. It was a long sigh, comparable in length to an episode of Heartbeat. “Yes, Miss Sheldo, it is what my gaffer would call a very weathery day indeed.” Karriewise also let out sigh, this time rather more confused, like an episode of Lost. Sheldo gazed longingly back to the Shire. She knew it was time to leave, after all her dear Uncle Ronbo Dixon Baggins had already departed to Rivencity to be with the immortal and wise Glaswegians, but it did not stop the yearning for one more day frolicking in the fields with Mickiadoc’s ginger tresses blowing in the wind like the discarded arm pit hair of Axl Rose or listening to Uncle Ronbo’s stories of the Sackville-Corkhill’s coming round to Bag End Close looking for smack.
Jimmy Sackville-Corkhill angry on the rampage for me drugs.
Sheldo imagined Uncle Ronbo was having a perfectly good time with the Lord Roisinrond and how wonderful it would be to greet them and leave the ring in Rivencity for good and go back to the Shire. Still, the little voice of Jane Horrock’s in his head told her it would be long before Sheldo ever saw the Shire again.
It's right here...in my pocket..
“I’m fookin’ bored out of me tits, ya wankers! Where the fook are we? I just fooking caught my balls in a patch of nettles, are we nearly there yet? God, you’re all a bunch of utter cocks! My heels are totally fucked!” Pippin Burns screamed.
“Silent Pippin! Do you hear that? I think it’s the Black Riders Gangaff warned us of, quick, hide!”
The Hobbits hid under the nearest tree, quietly to avoid the Riders attention. Sheldo could feel the breath of the riders on her back. Karriewise whispered: “Sheldo, I’m scared. What would the Gaffer think of me now, lying underneath a tree like a little mouse, I bet my gaffer wou-“
“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK OOP ABOUT YAHR GAFFER, YA PRICK? CAN’T YOU SEE I’M GETTING ALL DEHHRRTY DOWN ERE?”
“LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THE THOUGHT!!!!” Mickiadoc screamed. Mickiadoc had lyrics tourettes. It wasn’t his fault. They still liked to blame him anyway because they were cruel bastards.
“Mickiadoc, QUIET or my gaffer will…”
The Riders horse snarled.
“Yes, I can definitely feel it. There’s definitely something down here. Oh, it’s terrible. SHUT UP YVETTE I’M IN A TRANCE! I’m getting the name Miiiiiii….Miiiiiii….MICK. Yeah, Mick, did you hear that Yvette?”
Sheldo peeked through a gap in the bark and saw The Witch King Derek Acorah on his horse Yvette Fielding.
“A NNEEEEEEEEEEEW FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!” Mickiadoc was so nervous he could not contain his tourettes.
“Nah Yvette, I’ve lost it now. Come on, giddy up you daft bitch, I’ve got Most Haunted Mines of Moria special to film in half an hour. Noro lim, or some shite, you bint!”
The Hobbits were safe for now. Sheldo let out a sigh of relief.
End of Chapter.