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Aren't you all on the edge of your seat for the new chapter?I know I…

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Aren't you all on the edge of your seat for the new chapter?I know I am.I'm on the edge of my seat because I really need the loo, so here you go. Try not to get too excited.

A few days later the hobbits and their friends were called to the Council of Roisinrond. Roisinrond was a fearsome elf with a double chin and an accent that would strip the skin off a llama at fifty paces, but Sheldo and Karriewise found that they liked her very much.

Roisinrond. She's a pyoor stunnahr.

"Rrrright, a' wahnt tae know whits gan oan, ye ken? Whit's a' this aboot a ring?" Roisinrond barked. Sheldo put the ring down in the middle of the circle and everyone gasped.

"It is the one ring of power. The Gibbon needs it so he can make a spectacular pop comeback and stop fucking about with Barbo Streisand making shite records. If he gets his hands on it, we will all be forced to listen to You Win Again over and over for all eternity...and he will not stop there. He will use this ring to land a TV deal..his own cop show...Mane of Justice. It will be like NYPD Blue, only Jimbo Smits will not be in it and instead it will star Norris from Fangornation Street and James Dreyfus from Gimli Gimli Gimli.It will have thirteen series and countless reruns." Gangaff explained.The council gasped in horror.

"Then how do we destroy this ring?One does not simply walk into Mordor...there is evil there that does not sleep. It is said that a beast with two heads, one of Amanda Lepore and the other of Judy Finnigan, guards its gates. It is folly." said a man with hair like a smacked arse and a nose like a bauble.
"Calm doon, Simon le Bonomir. The ring must be cast inta tha fires ae Mount Florida. Wance this is done,aw a' Gibbon's evil, and he himself, will be destroyed." Roisinrond said.

His name is Simon and he dies right at the end...

At this point Alannahwen ran into the council, shouting "Mammy!I need tae go and get ready for singing in the Eurovision the night, want tae gie us a fiver?"
Roisinrond smiled and said "She's a pyoohr stunnahr int she?Ye widny hink she wis mah daughtahr."

Karriewise sighed. "Right, so, any tips on how we get the fuck IN to Mordor then? Cause if no', I'm gaun tae get a bag of chips and a boattle of Irn Bru and going up to my room tae watch Deal or Nae Deal wae Noel Edmondlas."
"We could always fly in on an eagle and drop the ring into the fire." said a poncey-looking twat with long blonde hair.

we feel no need to alter this picture. He's a fuckface as it is.

"Shut the fuck up, ya stupid prick. That's a fuckhin' terrible idea." Pippin snorted.
"He's right, Willturnerbloomolas. That would be madness." said Buchanagorn. "We could always throw some stickyback plastic at the orcs and shove pipe cleaners up their noses."
At this suggestion everyone picked up their rock of choice and threw it at Buchanagorn.

"Rrright, mah suggestion is that someb'dy has tae take this fuckin' thing oot ma sight. I'm tryin' tae luk fur ma lotterae ticket.You!" Roisinrond pointed to Sheldo and Karriewise, "Ya wee arseholes, you look small and weak enough tae manage this wi'oot getting injared. Who's wantin tae go wae thaym?"
"You have my sword." said Simon le Bonomir, flicking his hair.
"And you have my bow." said Willturnerbloomolas, still reading from the script because he was mentally retarded.
"Deep in the night.I am looking for some love." said a dwarf by the name of Gunthli, whose moustache was so great that Karriewise and Sheldo had to shield their eyes from its magical powers.

his ding ding dong.

"Dog and bone, couple'a pound'a raspberries, weeey!Get that seventy five percent off at my stall." said Gangaff.
"Just say you love me!" said Mickiadoc with a twitch. His lyrics tourettes was flaring up again.
"Oh all right, ya bunch of wankers. But only if I get a new fuckhin' fur coat." Pippin said threateningly.

Roisinrond stood and smiled lopsidedly. well,she always smiled lopsidedly but anyway.

"You shall be tha fellahship o' tha rrrrring. Noo, Rrrraymund's wantin tae tek me oot fur dinner in that poash new restaurant just aff the banks a' Rauros, so get tae fuck."
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