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Chapter Four.

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I bet you were all wetting your pants with excitement over the next chapter. Well, fear not. It's here! There's no Mickiadoc, I'm afraid. I couldn't think of any more lyrics, so we'll give him a wee rest til the next chapter.

Sheldo’s health was slowly worsening. She seemed close to death after Witch King Derek Acorah’s blade had pierced her shoulder like a piece of Edam cheese on a cocktail stick. Karriewise tried to hide her sadness but it was obvious sort of like when someone steps on dog shit and tries to act like they don’t have a lump of dog mess on their new Louboutin pumps. Pippin Burns huffed, “I’ve had way worse, y’know, what an overdramatic little prick! Did I ever tell you about the time I got into a fight with Marilyn back in 85? Proper fookin’ vicious queen she was!” “Quiet, Pete. You do not know of the Most Haunted LIVE blade. It is far more powerful than any right hand hook of a washed up old transvestite from the 80’s, ya div! Some say it wields the strength to kill a thousand men….including Chuck Norris.” Neil Buchanagorn whispered harshly. That’s an oxymoron, sort of.

“Chuck Norris? It can defeat his roundhouse kick? This is certainly dark magic, indeed.” Karriewise was shocked, like when they killed off Tiffany in Eastenders. Uncle Ronbo had often told her tales of the brave Chuck Norris saving thousands with his roundhouse kick of death. “Yes, even him, young Karriewise. I have some PVA glue, go fetch me some loo roll and we’ll wrap it round a piece of cardboard and leave it to dry over night. Move swiftly.” Neil Buchanagorn requested. “What will that do?” “Nothing. It’s a good laugh though, you get high off the fumes.” “This guy’s a fucking dickhead.” Pete muttered under his breath or it could have been loudly but he was injecting himself with botox and you couldn’t really hear him very well.

Sheldo groaned loadly, the pain was certainly most terrible. Karriewise was panicking. “We have to help him Buchanagorn! I fear she is passing onto the other world where Derek will certainly be able to find her!” “Do not fear, Karriewise, Derek Acorah wouldn’t be able to tell if a ghost was sitting on his face and humping it and I can feel the presence of one of our most beloved approaching in the distance…”

Just as Buchanagorn uttered these words the Hobbits were blinded by an ethereal light. It was the Lady Alanahwen, daughter of Lord Roisinrond and beloved of Buchanagorn.

“God, I’m bloody blinded ‘ere!” Pete screamed. “Sorry, it’s just my new earrings from Argos, they’re pure nice aren’t they? Down to £12.99, still huvnae paid back oor Raymund. ANYWAY, I have travelled very far under the instructions of Lord Roisinrond to help Sheldo. Stupid fucking bitch, she’s always telling me what to do. Doesn’t she know I’m pure busy? I’ve got Buchanagorn AND I’m meant to be going to the Tall Ship tonight to do my shift, she never gives me any peace, y’know just the other day she pure told me to-“ “HELLO I’M DYING OVER HERE, YA DAFT BITCH!” Sheldo screamed in agony. “AWRITE, quiet doon ya wee midget and I’ll shove you on my horse Boabfaloth and take you to Roisinrond.”

Lady Alanahwen or as some refer to her 'The Evenshite'.

Lady Alanahwen put Sheldo on Boabfaloath the horse. “Wantae watch it? I’m only wee!” Boabfaloth shouted. “Noro lim, ya pure fanny!” Alanahwen instructed, in haste. Though Boabfaloth was small he could run very fast, like Dame Kelly Homes or some shite. The Mingwraiths were already approaching and Sheldo could hear the muffled cries of the Witch King Derek Acorah in the distance.

“I CAN FEEEEEEEL IT YVETTE. There’s definitely something. I’m getting the name…Al….Al….Weird Al. Who are you? I’m gonna find you and put you on my programme, if that bloody daft bitch Yvette gets a move on. Move it, ya daft wench!” “Yes Derek.”

Stop hogging the limelight ya daft bitch!

“NORO LIM, BOABFALOTH, NORO LIM!” Lady Alanahwen cried. Boabfaloath was going as fast as his 5ft 3 stature could carry him but Witch King Derek was fast and so was his steed. Sheldo groaned. “I wid Alanahwen but this hings pure heavy and am’ only wee, you know, fuck sake!” Suddenly they came to a flowing River. This was a sign, they were approaching Rivencity. Alanahwen stopped Boabfaloth going any further and they waited in the water. Witch King Derek and the other Mingwraiths grew angry.

“IF YOU WANT HER, COME AND CLAIM HER!” exclaimed Alanhwhen, in a loud voice, deranged, like Michael Barrymore in Celebrity Big Brother.


Lady Alanahwen began to chant. “yaaacoupleafaaaanniiiieeeees….” A giant wave in the shape of a million Davey Sneddons washed over the Mingwraiths and swept them away, like that Madonna film where she can’t act. Lady Alanawen wept over Sheldo who was already passing over to the spirit world.

Hello, I'm Derek Lord, but you may know me as Davey Sneddon though I like to forget about that part of my career. I'm a serious actor now, I last starred in Aladdin at the Pavilion theatre Xmas Panto.

Sheldo remembered no more, until she woke up in a warm, comfy bed. “The time is 8.00pm, the day is Tuesday and it’s time for Westenders. Gangaff the Nay stated. “You’ve been sleeping for some time, apples and pears, YOU SLAAAAG!”
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