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Rivencity


Hi everyone. Everyone being the other three members of this thing. as…

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Hi everyone. Everyone being the other three members of this thing. as Shel said, this was created in a moment of madness the other night because we were bored, and we find it funny. If you don't find it funny you can fook off. We'll try our best to keep it going but we're bastards and probably won't finish.

Chapter two

Far away in the kingdom of Rohan (number 12, Union Street),Eh-ohmer sighed as he stepped in the fifth pile of shit that day. After all,Rohan was the home of the arse lords, and also a wanky shop for idiots who like to hillwalk, like Eh-ohmer.
"Eh OH!" he exclaimed angrily, picking up his red handbag and flicking his hair dramatically.
"Oh shut the fuck up,you whinging blonde tosspot!" his sister, Eobrit, commented. "You're getting in the way of me being all weepy and shit. And I WAS BORN TO MAKE YOU HAPPEEE. Fuck off." Eh-ohmer flounced out of the room like a big gay mincing hippo. It was then that the King fell spectacularly off his throne onto his fat arse, exclaiming "THAT'S WHAT MY HEART YEARNS FOR NOW,LOVE AND PRIIIIDE". His face was only matched in terms of distress by the bloke from Moria 5's face after Stevens the Wonder tried to eat it.
 "Silly old bugger.I wonder when Dean GanGaff the Ney will get here,this bit of the story is fucking boring and we're not even due until the next book." said Max Farntongue, the King's greasy git advisor with a bum chin. Eobrit tutted and practised staring longingly into the distance, mainly because she wasn't really capable of anything more taxing. Blonde bint.


SUSANNAAAAAAAAH

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Miles away, Dean GanGaff the Ney was being held prisoner by Haddaman the White at the very top of Ramshank, the tower of Pies'n'lard. He felt like he was in an episode of Rosemary and Thyme he was so bored.

 "Now look GanGaff, WHAT IS LOVE?" Haddaman screamed, poking Gangaff in the bum with his staff.

 "Baby,don't hurt me no more" Gangaff pleaded, tears springing to his eyes as his piles flared up again.

Haddaman laughed. "LOL," he said, "you cannot defeat the almighty Gibbon.The Great Beard watches all,even you in Into the Westenders! And you were SHEEEIIIITEEEE."
GanGaff stared in horror as Haddaman morphed into Liambo Gallagher and began dancing around with a tambourine shouting "sunSHEEEIIIINEEE" into his staff. "Fuck this for a game of darts", he thought, and fell arse over face, plummeting down towards the burning depths of Pies'n'lard...


blue steel.

Chapter three


At the inn of the Prancing Fanny, a Gary Barlbo (star of Rake That!, a band made up of five hobbit gardeners) tribute bar, the four hobbits were taking comfort in the warmth and good ale. Pippin Burns was already on his third barrel and had stripped to a pair of silver hotpants with matching 5 inch heeled boots. Pouting even more than usual, he stood up on a table and announced "Ah've got a fuckhin coat made out'a REAL WARGS! Shove THAT up yer arse! Rrrrepugnant!", before sitting back down again and applying more lippy.

Sheldo was watching a hooded stranger smoke his pipe in one of the bar's dark corners. She called over the barman.
 "Pray tell, O noble barman, thon stranger, what be his name?"
Karriewise sighed and slapped Sheldo in the face. "She was set on Keira of the Knightley pompous bastard mode," she explained. "Carry on."
 The barman whispered in Sheldo's ear, "'E's a painter from the North. Round these parts 'e's known only as Wanker."

Sheldo turned just in time to see Pippin lunge wildly at a random Traci Binghambo lookalike, shouting 'Of course I know a FUCKHIN' Baggins!She's over there, SHELDO BAGGINS! Fuck off, ye don't know me, ye scum."
 Sheldo ran towards Pippin, screaming "Ya faaaannyyyyy" before slipping in a pile of collagen that had leaked from Pippin's lips. The ring went for Special Olympic gymnastics gold and flew up into the air, not quite managing to fall onto Sheldo's finger but instead smacking her in the face. "AIYABAS" she hissed, and an old man who looked suspiciously like Des Lynam said "It's over that way. Big white mountain, ain't it?"

Suddenly she was grabbed and carried into a little room upstairs from the bar. She looked up into a face that can only be described as 'totally chonged', and recognised her assailant. Wanker! Judging by that expression, it hadn't been tobacco in his pipe. "Well," he said, and Sheldo recoiled, not in fear, but because his breath smelled like three week old oliphaunt shite.


Pippin once again contemplates attacking a photographer using only his arse.

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"Where the fook are we going ya bastard!These shoes cost me five 'undred quid in Bangbokok!I feel like I'm on Bilbo Sykes Goes Wild!" Pippin squealed at Wanker the next morning.
"Isn't it Bilbo Oddie?" Karriewise asked, munching a packet of Mordoritos.
 "No, ya stupid bastard, it's Bilbo Sykes. 'E wanders round the woods and then beats the livin' shite outta the animals." Pippin sniffed. Karriewise looked even more confused than usual, as if she was trying to work out what the fuck the film Memento was about.
 "We are going to Rivencity, Bastard - I mean Master - Burns. To see Roisinrond and the elves." came Wanker's reply. He was even more stoned this morning. Mickiadoc figured he'd stolen half of their Longbottom Leaf the night before.

They reached Heathertop, an amazing watchtower shaped like Heather Mills' wooden leg. Sheldo fell asleep in about a second because she was a lazy bastard. Wanker conveniently fucked off and left the hobbits alone.


Wanker.

Sheldo woke to the smell of bacon frying and saw that the other hobbits had lit a fire. "Put it oot, ya dobbers, put it oot!" she cried, but too late - a screeching fart in the distance heralded the arrival of the Mingwraiths and their leader, the Witch King Derek Acorah. Karriewise thought she heard a ghostly "Shut the fuck up Yvette, you stupid bint!", before they were surrounded.

Sheldo decided to have a blonde moment and put on the ring. Karriewise shouted "Oh, fucking clever move, Raquel Watts!", before Sheldo was stabbed in the shoulder by the Witch King. She rolled about pointlessly for a bit, like Michelldo McManus trying to get out of bed.

And then!!!!!!!!11! Wanker hurled himself over Heathertop's big toe, clutching a big blue box. The Mingwraiths looked at each other, mouthing 'what the..', and farted a bit more. "EVEN IF I KNOW WE CAN'T MAKE IT!!!" Mickiadoc screamed nervously, propelled into action by the manky smell and the fact that he had been criminally underused in this chapter.

 "Ta-da!" Wanker cried. Everyone looked to where he was gesturing. It was truly amazing - he had created a huge portrait of The Witch King Derek Acorah using only twigs, pipe cleaners and old sheets. All the Mingwraiths clapped and went 'oooh', and were far too distracted by its beauty to notice that the hobbits and Wanker had fucked off.

"So," thought Sheldo and Karriewise at the same time, "He is no ordinary painter from the North.He is,in fact, Neil Buchanagorn, heir to the throne of Gowaaaandor. Cheesy peas!"
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