OMGZ WE'RE BACK!!
Because 3.5 million people noticed we were gone and complained. Yep.
Meanwhile, Neil Buchanagorn had his ear to the ground. Not because he was listening for the orcs or anything, but because he'd sniffed a bit too much PVA and was convinced that a small purple fairy shaped like a potato was speaking to him out of the grass.
"O RLY?" he exclaimed, causing Willturnerbloomolas to turn sharply and deliver a wooden stare that looked remarkably like all his other wooden stares. If his stares were any more wooden a rather fine case with ornate decoration could have been made from them.
"YA RLY." said the imaginary purple fairy. It was getting a bit bored and felt sick, mainly because Buchanagorn hadn't washed in seventeen years and had a mouldy pencil stuck behind his ear.
Buchanagorn jumped up suddenly, stumbled, and decked it. A bit like Fidel Castro but not quite as funny. "My EEEEEEEYYYYEEE!!!" he shrieked, like the Spongebob fish, and sure enough impaled in his eye was Pippin's designer fake nail. Gunthli stifled a tumultuous giggle at the sight of Buchanagorn bleeding freely and thrashing about like a little bitch.
"Not idly do the nails of Lothlauren Harries fall. They may yet be alive. Slow blink. Wooden stare." said Willturnerbloomolas.
By this time Buchanagorn was pretty fucked if he wanted to read the newspapers without bifocals. "Willturnerbloomfatarse, what do your amateur actor eyes see?" he called. It sounded like he was talking through a wet sponge.
"They're taking the hobbits to Pies'n'lard!Pies'n'lard!Pies'n'lard!Pies'n.
Gunthli sniffed."Fucking idiot.You will never better Sash in the rave scene."
Over at Pies'n'lard, Haddaman was leaning over what looked like a pink ball, with his eyes shut.
"Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard and Mordor?To stand against the might of Gibbon and Haddaman, and the union of the Two High Flats" he said, a small tinge of exasperation in his voice.
The pink ball spoke. "This is an OOOUTTRAAAAGGGEEE!" it cried. For it was not just any pink ball but the Harrantir, a famous shaman with a gift for strategy.
sexy..everything aboutcha so sexyyyyy
"Oh, shut up. Can't you come up with a good strategy for getting the ring back?So what is right and what is wrong?Gimme a siiiiign..." Haddaman pleaded.
"I say we move..with haste...retrieve that ring...we fetch it back..in a bag..and..quite quickly..."
"Just give me five minutes, I can come up with something else! I only need pen and paper and someone to write down my ideas..."
"You are a knob."
About five minutes later Haddaman had ordered all the villages to be burnt and pillaged and everyone murdered yadda yadda yadda. On top a horse doing a cartwheel were two blonde idiots called Gemma and Chris from the band JeminIwillhideawayanddie. They had competed in the Eurovision alongside Lady Alannahwen but come last with no points and people threw rotten cabbages at them for being such utter cockfaces.
"Quick!You must ride to the shop of Rohan and raise the alarm!Scary men!WOOOO!Shit,my house is on fire,did I leave the gas on?!" some old woman said, mauling Gemma's tarty blonde hair. The pair turned the horse and bolted away into the distance (a bit like after Eurovision when they bolted from SHAME), the sound of "Bye bye babyyy,you lied to me babyyyy,I must have been crazyyy,baby, bye byeeeeeee" floating tunelessly in their wake.