Gangaff fell into the fire of the set of Hollyoaks for what seemed like an entire episode of Goodnight, Sweetheart followed by the Antiques Roadshow. He landed with a thud on a small sofa, in a pub full of skinny blonde chavs, confused and mildly aroused for some weird reason. He was a sexual terrorist after all.
“Where the bleedin’ hell is this?” Gangaff asked.
“This is TONY’S PUB. I’m Tony. I love Mandy. Do you like my hair? It swishes. LOOK AT IT SWISH. I’m Tony. Love me.”
Tony was indeed a curious creature. He was tall and lanky with bad breath and even worse hairdo reminiscent of Richard Madeley after a romp with Judy. He smelled of old cigarettes, peanuts and the Pound store version of Lynx aftershave ‘Mynx’.
“Listen, Tony…you’re shit. Piss off, you Essex twat! You’ve got a worse curtain do than me back in 1998! I’m Gangaff the Ney, wielder of the flame of Wellard. Nonce off.” Gangaff replied.
“I am afraid I cannot. I am Tony. If you do not love me, I will rape you like I raped everyone on Hollyoaks. Look at Gary Lucy, over there! I raped him. This vicious cycle must end. PROCLAIM YOUR LOVE FOR ME.” Tony screamed, his hair blowing in the…wind.
“Fine, then. Tony I love you, you SLAAAAG. Now let me go, my mates all think I’m dead or summat, who knows what they’re doing now, they’ve probably tried to take the ring back to Argos in exchange for vouchers.” Gangaff was growing annoyed, like when you watch Big Brother and Davina takes ages to announce who’s evicted.
“OOOOOOH MAAAAAAAAAANDY!” Tony at this point was lying on the floor like Jodie Marsh on one of her calmer nights out so Gangaff creeped away like a tramp in the night begging for your love.
End of flashback. Meanwhile Sheldo and Karriewise have made it over the river.
“I can’t believe we have to climb up this whole fuckin’ mountain. LOOK AT IT! Ah huvnae even got oan mah good shoes.” Karriewise complained. Again.
“Oh, Karriewise. This is barely even half of the walk up to Primark. It will get much harder than this. Some say the trip to Mount Florida is like hell on earth when the trains are playing up and there’s a match on at Hampden.” Sheldo was feeling optimistic. “Anyway Karriewise, what DO you have in that bag? Doritos? What IS this...frozen garlic bread? GARLIC BREAD? We’ll never need this.” Sheldo threw the garlic bread to the ground and stamped on it.
“I WIS HUNGRY, FANNYBAWS!” wailed Karrie.
Sheldo and Karriewise continued on the path towards Mount Florida. They were well and truly lost. Sheldo could feel the ring getting heavier, now she knew how Mr T felt. It was a full ton weight.
“The rings getting heavier. This is no Elizabeth Duke gold. I’m tired and we’re lost, Karriewise. Let’s have some of that elf bread.”
“What elf bread?” Karriewise asked, the remainder of crumbs from it around her face.
“You are a dick.”
The hobbits settled down to sleep. They were not alone. Since they had left the shores they were being followed by the creature Gillum.
“KARRIEWISE! Wake up! Do you hear that? It sounds like someone munching on All-Bran. I feared we were being followed but now I know it is true.”
Just as Sheldo went to look around Gillum pounced on her like Stephen Gately pouncing on his boyfriend outside a nightclub, or Jay Kay battering someone at China Whites. Gillum was a revolting creature, small, thin and mangled like she’d been hit by a steamroller. Her hair was like pieces of chewed elastic and she smelt like she’d been rolling in fish for seventy three years.
Gillum. She likes avocados.
“CURSE THEM! THEY ARE OVERWEIGHT! BAD CARBS. FAT HOBBITSES!” Gillum tried to pulled the ring from Sheldo’s neck but Sheldo whipped out her faithful sword, Sting.
“THIS IS STING! You’ve seen it before haven’t you Gillum? Look at it, it’s inscribed with the elvish song ‘Message in a Bottle’ and glows blue whenever wee ugly Orc gobshites are around! Now get aff me, ya absolute dobber!”
Gillum immediately let go, of course she knew Sting. Her constant use of Omega-3 meant her memory was perfect. She could remember her dinner back in the Second Age. It was fish. Of course.
Karriewise tied Gillum up with rope and dragged her along. Not that she was dangerous, just for kicks like.
"What’ll we dae wae her, Sheldo? We canny take her, every cunt will hear us.Can’t we just kill her? ” Karriewise asked.
“We can’t just leave her here, Karriewise. Maybe she does deserve to die. But I pity her. She is a wretched creature, high on fishy oils and protein. We will take off the rope. Perhaps she can help us.”
“GOOD HOBBITSES! Take the rope of Gillum. Gillum will give you nice fish, keeps you strong, good fish. Lots of peanuts. NO CARBS AAAAAAAH IT BURNS IT BURNS.”
Karriewise was setting Gillum’s hair on fire again.
“What?” Karriewise whistled innocently.
“Stop it.” Sheldo was growing angry. Like a small lorne sausage.
“GILLUM SWEARS ON THE PRECIOUSSSSSSS. I will help you lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks, promise. Good hobbitses. Take the rope off, it burns us.”
“I will hold you to your word, Gillum. My arse IS getting a bit flabby.” Sheldo did like cereal bars and bran flakes after all.
“SHELDO! She will kill us in our sleep! Smother us in fish and feed us to Michelle McManus. We cannot trust her!” Karriewise probably had a point but for the sake of the story, we foolishly ignore her.
“You know the way to Mount Florida?” Sheldo asked.
“YESSSSSS. Gillum knows it very well, Gillum is good, Gillum will take you there and tell you the wonders of salmon in a light mushroom sauce. Gillum will even examine your shit and tell you when you are going wrong in your diet.”
“That’s just too much.” Sheldo replied.
Meanwhile, Pippin Burns and Mickiadoc have been captured by the Uruk-Hai and are being carted off somewhere.
“Where the fook are we? I can’t belieeeeeeve this, it’s a bag of SHITE. Absolute SHITE. My nails are getting chipped. Can’t you pricks go any faster?” Pippins hair extensions were falling out all over the place, he looked like an absolute mong.
“JUST A LITTLE RAY OF LIGHT, SHININ’ THRUUUU!” Mickiadoc squealed like a pig waiting to be slaughtered.
Jimdavidsonnahk, the Cockey orc was waiting on the Uruk-Hai to deliver the Hobbits. He was a hideous little piece of vermin who deserved to die.
“Listen, bacardi breezer, Uruk whatever, I don’t care you’re all foreign to me, are you off yer nut on Benny Hills? You’re all late, Haddaman is waiting. Piss off back to your own country, you slags. I’ve got a bag for life at home to beat and black people to make fun off. Hurry the fuck up, you Billy Hunt.”
Why don't you just go back to where you came from, you swine!
The Uruk-Hai grew angry, like an angry cloud. Oooh, angry.
“I don't take orders from cockney maggot like you. You are scum. I voted Liberal Uruk-Hai last election."
“What a slice of bread and butter you are. You’re havin ah larf ain’t ya! Give us them! I’ve got a right wing orc political party to run here, you slag.” Jimdavidsonahk shouted.
“Shut up, physically repulsive inferior cockney orc. What is that I can smell? Shit? No …MAN FLESH.”
“Mick! Mick! We’ve gotta do something, you prick!” Pippin wasn't really terrified, he just liked being overdramatic.
“NIIIIIGHT NUUUURSE!” Mickiadoc panicked.
“Good idea, ya scally! I can’t stay here with these bastards any longer, that Jimdavidsonahk is absolutely REEEEPUGNANT!”
However much he hated those PVA sniffing bastards and although he remembered he owed Buchanagorn a fiver, Pippin dropped an Elvish fake nail given to him by Sinbadriel on the ground hoping that somehow they would find them. It had fallen off anyway and he forgot his Sally Rohansen nail glue. Perhaps they would be reunited after all. The orcs carried the Hobbits off into the distance to Piesnlard. They're taking the Hobbits to Piesnlard! To Piesinlard! To Piesnlard! etc.
End of Chapter One. Ooooh cliffhanger!