Why do I do this to myself?
The newly appointed fellowship left Rivendell with the parting gifts of the Elven bread Yabas from Lord Roisinrond. Mickiadoc sang an old Shire tune “Driving down an endless road, taking friends or moving alone…adventure on the fairground ON THE WAY…”
They had barely gone a few steps when Karriewise’s tummy began to rumble. “I can’t believe this is all the shite that tight bitch Roisinrond has given us! She runs a grocery shop, Miss Sheldo! My gaffer puts on a better feast than this, we have Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and a grande Strawberries and Cream Frappucino. None of that Yabas shite…”
“I once lived off of PVA glue for 3 years in the forest.” Stated Wanker.
“Shuttttt uppp, Wanker! Luckily, I brought a few fings from the market stall…got some lovely apples and pears, might want to watch them pears though, Soniagast the Brown was touching them and god knows what that bird has been up to…proper SLAAAAG!” Gangaff handed Karriewise some apples but she politely declined with a loud “LOL NO.”
“Are we nearly fookin’ there yet, Gangaff? This coat is fookin’ roasting, I’m sweating like Russeolas Crowe in Gladiator being sat on by Fernwyn Briton in a sauna. Made from real Warg hair, it is. DON’T YOU TRY AND STOP ME, YOU BASTARDS.” “I feel this is a safe enough place to stop for a short while. We will stop here.” The Fellowship sat on the rocks and began preparing dinner.
“I have a bad feeling about this, Captain Jack Sparrow. This place is no longer safe, servants of Gibb roam wildly and report back in high pitched voices that only his ears can hear. I went to RADA, you know, you have to listen me. I’ve also snogged Keira Knightly and that makes me special AND my mum says I’m good.” Willturnerbloomolas was chuffed, like when Nadia won Big Brother. Cries of “SHUT UP, BLOOM!” were heard from the Fellowship, except from Mickiadoc, he was fondling himself and singing sweet love poetry while Gunthli watched.
They had no reason to suspect this place, it was rather nice. It had little seats from Ikea and fairy lights and everything. Buchanagorn told Sheldo and Karriewise the benefits of waiting on paper mache to dry before using acrylics. Meanwhile, Simon Le Bonomir recreated Brokeback Mountain to the tune of Girls on Film with Mickiadoc and Pippin. Willturnerbloomolas watched the skies intently like a fanny. It seemed to interrupt the beautiful moment but with a large deafening cry he uttered the immortal words.
“CREBAIN FROM DUNLAND!!!”
“Wanker I think you were supposed to say something, you muppet.” Gangaff asked impatiently.
“Mmmm sweeeeeeet sweeeeet PVA.”
“Oh. HIDE! I love hiding, it reminds me of Finders Keepers, that was a right laugh, remember Melanie and Martina?”
“That was Funhouse, you prick.” Pippin replied.
What a bloody episode hiding was. Sheldo and Karriewise were sure Gunthli tried to feel their arses while hiding under a rock.
The Fellowship soon left their hiding spot and made their way to Aiyabas. The mountain was harsh as Haddaman had been casting evil spells or some shizzle. The Hobbits struggled to climb amongst the snow and rocks and Pete could barely walk in his heels. Then there was an episode with Le Bonomir trying to take the ring to give to his supermodel wife.
“Gangaff, WE MUST TURN BACK!” Le Bonomir cried.
“Yes, even my dick is turning blue, you bastards!” Pippin shouted.
“That’s what you get for wearing a pair of hotpants and a warg coat on a mountain, silly transvestite Hobbit. Let Buchanagorn make you a warm coat of tissue paper and PVA.”
“Fuck off, Wanker.”
“Ooooh, you touch my tra la la?” Gunthli piped up and Gangaff seemed to recoil in horror.
“It is as I feared…we must travel through the Mines of Moria. But do not expect a proper ruby murray anymore, Gunthli…it is not the Moria you once knew.” Gangaff sighed.
“My ding ding dong.”
The Fellowship travelled in an epic fashion to the entrance of the Mines of Moria. It was dark and even Mickiadoc was scared, you could tell because he’d just been constantly shouting “IIIIIF YOU DON’T KNOW MEEEE BY NOWWWWW, IF YOU DON’T KNOOOOW MEEEEEEE!” for fifteen minutes while Gangaff tried to get into Moria.
“Listen, you fuckfaces, we ARE on the guestlist. I’m Gangaff, I’m a fucking wizard, everyone knows me, I was on Into The Westenders….come on!” Gnagaff begged.
“Never heard of ya, mate.” The bouncer replied.
“Willturnerbloomolas, tell him will ya? I’m a STAR!”
After twenty minutes of nervous shuffling and Sheldo trying to find her ID card she got a bit bored.
“Look, a lake, let me conveniently look for something in it to further the danger of my character's situation.”
Suddenly a large 9 legged monster with the face of Ronan Keating grabbed her and dangled her in the air like a conker while making love to Stephen Gately and floating in a hot air ballon and dueting with Lulu. “AAAAAAAAAAH PUT ME DOWN, YOU IRISH MUPPET!” screamed Sheldo as Karriewise tried in vain to help her, while lolling furiously at how funny her hair looked upside down after not straightening it since the Council of Roisinrond.
Buchanagorn rushed to Sheldo’s aid, chopping off Ronan's arms and legs and sticking pipe cleaners and sequins in their place. Ronan’s last cries before putting Sheldo down were “FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT IT FIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT IT FIIIIIIIIIIGHT IT NA NA NA NA!”.
The bouncers soon got bored of Gnagaff’s cries for attention and let them into Moria.
“God, it’s changed a bit in here since the dwarf Lord Stringfellow passed on…the strippers are all dead. A lapdance is better when the stripper is crying. I….don’t know why I just said that.” Gangaff looked sad, like when someone opens the £250,000 box in Deal or No Deal.
“This is no nightclub, it is a TOMB. And my hair is going to lose it’s lustre. And I’m wearing white shoes, they’ll get all dirty.” Le Bonomir screamed while stepping over broken cocktail glasses.
“Deep in the night…I am looking for some fun.” Gunthli wailed.
“Yes Gunthli, all your family is dead. Bloody prick.” Pippin said while filing his nails on the skeleton of Gunthli’s grandfather.
The Fellowship ventured into Moria. It was dark and smelled vaguely of sweat, warm beer and decaying peanuts. “Just like home.” Buchanagorn sighed happily, like a goat.
“Gangaff, may I ask you something?”
“Of course Sheldo…what’s it all about hey hey ya geezer!”
“I feel someone has been following us…”
“Yes, that is the creature Gillum. The one Uncle Ronbo may have told you about. Her story is a sad one indeed.” Gangaff seemed to know everything, like Stephen Fry on QI.
“It’s a pity Uncle Ronbo didn’t kill her while he had the chance! I don’t want to eat fish, I don’t NEED OMEGA THREE and that X Factor performance…just what the fuck?” Sheldo whinged.
“Pity? You plum. Blabla many that have lived blabla don’t kill people some that die deserve life, can you give it to them Sheldo?”
“I feel Gillum will have a part to play yet.”
“I wish I was at home IN MY BED EATING CRISPS.”
“So do all of us in these times. Uncle Ronbo was supposed to find the ring. He needed it to buy smack off Jimbelia Sackville-Corkhill and to pay for Jacqui’s wedding. When he found out he could use it to sneak over to Susannah Farnham's and watch her in the nudey he knew it was a keeper. You were supposed to have it.” Gangaff was wise, like the O RLY owl.
The Fellowship journeyed into Moria, they even battled Rik Waller the cave troll and Sheldo nearly died 15 times but I can’t be arsed with that. Plus, we don’t want to give Willturnerbloomolas that many lines, he might get a bit more full of himself. Then some orcs came. That was a bit scary. Mickiadoc screamed and Karriewise wet her pants. They then found themselves on the bridge of Moria and now I’ll start writing normally again.
“What is that Gangaff?!!” screamed Buchanagorn while injecting himself with a mixture of PVA glue and heroin.
“It’s….Noel Edmondlas?” Gangaff replied, puzzled. “Where’s the Balrog?”
“Day off. Hello and welcome to Deal or No Deal, Gangaff. You have opened 10 boxes, only 3 boxes remain and inside one of them is the piece of the bridge that is stopping it from collapsing on your spotty arse. Will you open your own box? WHAT A LOVELY FACE. Ooooh, I wear shoes with high heels on.”
“What a fookin freak. Just open the box you prick, you disgust me.” Pete wailed.
“Gawwwd, where’s Jim when you need ‘im? Right I’ll open box 2 then.” Gangaff replied.
“….it’s a piece of old underwear belonging to Courtney Love, I’m afraid. The piece of the bridge was in box 1. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for you.”
Noel tried to push Gangaff off the bridge but he was very small and and Gangaff had put on a bit of weight with all the hair grease. Gangaff grabbed the other box. Noel scrambled to get it back.
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!” Gangaff boomed.
“Sorry, but I’m going to have to kick you in the face now.” Noel pushed Gangaff off the bridge but he gripped on.
“Fly, you SLAAAAGS.” And Gangaff fell into the abyss in the shape of Martin Fowler, into the set of Hollyoaks.
“AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WANNA FAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL THROUGH THE STAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS STRAIGHT INTO YOUR ARMS AND IIIIIIIIIIIIII REEEEEEEEEEEALLLY LOOOOVE-“ Mickiadoc screamed.
The Fellowship departed swiftly as Gangaff advised. Then they had a little cry outside while watching The Green Mile on Karriewise’s portable dvd player. It was time to head to the elves.